Bummed

Sometimes, lately, things just seem so hard.  It's not that I can't get out of bed in the morning, or that I'm so tired or stressed that every little thing is a struggle.  Not that that's never the case, but lately, that is not what's going on.  It's not the physical things that are bringing me down, although I HAVE been feeling pretty unwell physically (nauseous, achy, having lots of trouble regulating my body temperature- I'm either way too hot or way too cold, having heart palpitations, running some type of sinus, salivary gland, ear, throat infection nastiness, et cetera), but the mental and emotional.  Everything seems like such a chore.  I think, I should _____________, then, no, it'd be too much work to ___________ (something that really IS NOT hard or a lot to do- like drive 5 minutes to Target to get 1 thing).  I seriously don't know what the hell is the matter with me.  I used to THRIVE on go, go, go, do, do, do.  I LOVED to be out and about, run all over town, go new places, drive all over, go shopping- or just looking, be with other people.  Now, it ALL just seems like too much work.  Plus, even if I do go out, it is not fun.  At all.  Ryan and I went to the mall the other day, and it was so not fun.  Which sucks.  Because I WANTED it to be.  I was excited about it at first.  We had a meeting with our insurance agent, and after, we decided to go to the mall (even though Ryan wasn't feeling well), because I wanted to.  But as we were walking around, it just hit me that I didn't care.  We were "Christmas shopping," and just THINKING about who to shop for or what to get them was overwhelming.  I just didn't want to do it.  We wandered around and got nothing.  As we were driving back toward home, I got so down just realizing how low I've sunk; how things that seemed fun or made me happy and energized before just weren't fun at all.  By the time we got back to our neck of the woods, I just wanted to lay down and do nothing.  I was so depressed by this.  Thinking and thinking about how often this has been happening made me even more hopeless.  I just don't know what the heck is wrong with me!  Life is just not very fun anymore much of the time.  I wish I knew how to turn this around.

raw clarification

last nights post was read differently than i intended for it to be, so. let me clarify:

I AM EXHAUSTED, I AM COMPLETELY WORN DOWN, I AM NEVER FREE OF PAIN AND EVERY MOVE I MAKE HURTS, I AM STRESSED OUT BY HEALTH ISSUES I NOTICE, AND BY MY JOB- WHICH IS PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY DEMANDING, I FEEL LONELY BECAUSE OUR SCHEDULES ARE CRAZY AND I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO HANG OUT WITH MY HUSBAND (I DON'T REALLY SEE HIM HALF THE WEEK), MY FRIENDS, OR ANYONE ELSE I CARE ABOUT, I AM SO TIRED THAT ACTIVITIES WHICH SHOULD BE FUN MAKE ME WANT TO CRY A LITTLE, I FEEL LIKE NO ONE CARES OR SYPATHIZES/EMPATHIZES WITH HOW I FEEL, I AM SAD BECAUSE HALF OF MY KIDS ARE DEAD AND I NEVER EVEN GOT TO MEET THEM, I HATE PREGNANT PEOPLE BECAUSE I AM JEALOUS AND IT IS UNFAIR, AND ALL I NEED IS FOR SOMEONE (ANYONE) TO JUST ACT LIKE THEY CARE THAT I AM HAVING A HARD TIME.  I WAS NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL BAD OR TALK CRAP ABOUT ANYONE.  I AM JUST STRUGGLING AND I FEEL AT THE VERY, VERY, VERY END OF MY ROPE.

OK?

Anxiety, Stress, Majorly Overwhelmed

I am starting to get to the point where I can't do it anymore.  I don't find joy or excitement in ANYTHING.  It all just feels like one big. ass. chore.  Getting up in the morning is hard (especially when everything hurts and I can barely even roll over in bed).  Driving kids to school and all the way to work seems like too much effort (especially because I know that by the time I'm 5 minutes into my drive, my back will be throbbing, and by the time I get to work, I can barely stand all the way up and walk.  Stepping up the curb seems like climbing a mountain).  Within 10 minutes of being at work, I know something is going to irritate me enough to make me want to run screaming and never come back.  I am tired all. the. time.  I have trouble concentrating (and trust me, if you can't concentrate when a million people all think their demand on you is the most important, it makes a job REALLY hard).  By the time I leave work all I want to do is sleep.  For, like, 3 weeks.  But leaving work is when the hard part starts.  I have to drive way out of my way to get Trent.  I don't mind, it just makes when we get home even later and it's hard to get ANYTHING done.  By this point, I would drop if I could.  But I can't.  So, I plan dinner, do errands, and have somewhere to go almost every night.  If it's not karate, it's scouts, or church, or my mom wants to do something, or or or or or or or.  There's seriously not a SECOND that's unaccounted for.  EVERY day.  I am so worn down.  We have come up with this homework/reading/chore chart for the kids and it is NOT working.  For me.  Because suddenly, all this shit that we (Ryan) wants them to do, becomes my problem.  Did you clean your room?  Well let me check.  Oh you need to do this and this still.  Oh, you did this and this?  Let me check.  Oh you still forgot this.  You finished?  Let me check.  Ok, you still need to do this little thing.  You did?  Let me check, AGAIN.  Ok, it's fine, now time for chores that I have to check 5 times, then homework that I have to nag you about, then reading and a reading log for school AND karate that I have to nag you about.  Times 2 kids.  Brush your teeth, wash your hands, shower, pack your lunch, set your alarm, blah de blah blah blah.  So far, every, single, f*#&ing night, their responsibilities become MY problem and makes our night 8000000000 times more stressful.  Feed your pets, pick up your belongings, nag nag nag.  In the meantime, I don't have a second to relax because I'm checking the bazillion things they have to do with no time to do it.  Every night has become a late night because there aren't enough minutes.  Then this cuts in to my time.  Ya know?   That CRAZY thing called me time.  What's that you ask.  Yeah, I don't know anymore.  By the time I'm tucking them in (or, often, LONG before), I'm ready to drop.  I feel so far beyond overwhelmed and unhappy and stressed and absolutely crazy and depressed.  I have no help, I have no one on my side, I have no time.  Sometimes, I hope I get hit by a bus.  I know that's NOT good and I really don't mean it, but what the flip?  How long am I supposed to be able to go on like this.  NOTHING is fun, nothing feels good, nothing is how I wanted it to be.  I am drained and I'm running myself completely ragged for absolutely nothing.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I don't want to do anything but sleep for a year.  I love my kids so much and I am NOT being a very good mother.  It's pretty hard to feel like you are when all you do is pack their day full of chores and obligations, nag them, and snap at them because you're lonely and exhausted.  I am not happy at all with how my life is going and it's ruining my mental well-being and I'm sure it's not helping the physical bullshit, either.  I wish it could all just stop.  The pain, the grumpiness, the fatigue, the irritation.  I don't know what to do!

Outta Control!

On my way home from work today, I thought, I should really blog.  I should really blog about how out of control my life feels sometimes.  I should blog about how I'm not making the time and putting forth the effort to control what is important to me and do all of the things that I need to do for my health and well being.  I keep feeling like I'm just on this crazy ride that I don't want to be on and can't get off.  So, fast forward 3 hours later, I decided to go to church (1 of 3 options I had going on in that time frame), and they were starting a new series.  I hadn't been to Wednesday service in a couple of weeks, so I was pretty excited to be back.  The new series we started was....

"My faith is great, but my life is out of control."

Since it was the start of the series, there was just kind of a general overview of things to think about, and about people who loved God and "did the right things" but still struggled with problems (lust, substances, pride, etc), and most importantly, ended with the question, "what things in my life do I struggle with?"

Wow.

This question is just the one I needed, and there are LOTS of answers to this question, both relating to faith/trust in God, and areas that may not seem like they're directly related to faith.

SO, what do I struggle controlling? (in no particular order):

* prioritizing
* my temper
* not doing things that are necessary for my health
* not getting off my phone
* not speaking my mind, standing up for myself, or believing that I deserve better than I sometimes settle for
* not going after what I want
* not planning ahead/procrastinating
* letting myself get caught up in negativity
* wasting time
* spending money
* budgeting/getting out of debt/working harder
* drinking too much coffee
* doing other things that are bad for me (when I know better- like eating sugar)
* letting myself get pushed around or being influenced by people i care about even if i don't agree with them
* spreading myself so thin that nothing seems fun- everything feels like a chore or like something i "have to" do
* not asking for or accepting help
* staying at a job i dislike, don't find rewarding or challenging, am not appreciated at, and isn't worth my time or (lack of) money
* not finishing school (1 semester left- really, come on, Alex)
* knowing that i find certain things important but not making the time to do them
* getting caught up in little things that are annoying and let them ruin my day/drag me way down
* not making enough time for God, then wondering why I feel alone
* not trusting God and doctors enough to just GO and figure out what is going on with me and how to get better

see?!?!  That's SO MUCH that is WAY out of hand!  So, to tackle just a few of those things, I pledge to:

* limit the time I spend on my phone (check email, facebook, and the games I like to play 1-2 times a day)
* cut down to 1 (large) cup of coffee everyday (eventually to cut down to 1-2 cups a week)
* start budgeting money and not buying non necessities
* ask my boss for a raise, AND start (REALLY) looking for a new job
* doing at least 1 thing i WANT to do each day

I really really really need to stick to these AND continue to tackle more in the future, so WISH ME LUCK, SAY A PRAYER, give me a hug, ANY encouragement is SUPER appreciated so that i can get myself IN control!

Sun, Spleen, Psychotic?

We spent the whole day outside swimming on Monday, and the after effects weren't as extreme as last year, BUT, my back was KILLING me later that day- in a worse, and different- way than it had been lately.  The weirdest thing, though, was that the next day, the irritation and  pain in the upper right area of my ribs was much worse.  I was snuggling with Taryn and she accidentally elbowed me or something in that area and it was such a weird thing.  Like there was something hard bulging out from that area that surged with pain when she bumped me, but she didn't even hit or bump me hard.  I know I'm not describing it very well, it was just very weird.  Right after it happened, I laid back and dug up under my ribs and could feel something hard protruding from the bottom right of my rib cage.  I had felt this before, but it's been a very long time.  Then it dawned on me that the first time this happened (or when I noticed it) was the peak of last summer, when it was hot, we had regularly been spending some time in the sun, and that I also hadn't noticed it since sometime last fall.  It sounds like a long shot, but I'm wondering if sun exposure is somehow exacerbating the spleen-area pain I've experienced.  I honestly have no idea how that could be, but, somehow, the two seem connected.  It sounds a little crazy, I know!

Honestly, sometimes I think that some of the health things I have experienced are really just a manifestation of stress, anxiety, over thinking, and possibly me just being nuts.  I don't even know anymore.  I really wish I just had answers and clear connections between symptoms and the things that make them better or worse.  I feel like I've tried EVERYTHING (including going to the doctor-which I know most people think I haven't).  It gets annoying to go when you're scared and petrified, you go in alone, finally get your worries off your chest, and you get the "you're young and that's unlikely, have a nice day talk."  You leave blowing out a huge sigh of relief and then 2 minutes later it dawns on you- I'm NOT ok, I'm not better, and I have no answers.  What the hell kind of system is that?!  Feeling so bad for so long with so many symptoms that come, go, and seemingly have no rhyme or reason can have the effect of making you question your own sanity, I guess. : /  I'll just keep on truckin!  (And writing- it really helps).

Digestion

This will most definitely cross the line into WAY too much information, but, hey, you're warned. It's part of this annoying situation called my painful life, so it'd be silly to ignore.
Last Monday, the second, I took the kids to see a movie at red rocks (yay)! Upon leaving, my tummy started hurting A LOT.  By the time we got out of the parking lot (at least half an hour later), the discomfort of my indigestion seemed to have permeated through my whole body. My hips, my back, my WHOLE rib area (front, back, sides, WAY up under into my chest) just felt like toxins were pouring in, like noxious green gas you see in movies infiltrating a big area in just seconds, causing everyone in it's path to meet their demise. It was extremely uncomfortable! It made me think back to a year and a half earlier when I told my brother in law, Mark, (you remember him, the awesome acupuncturist) that my left arm hurt and he said, "digestion." At the time, I hate to confess, I thought he was a little nuts. Now I'm pretty sure he was right! What's that saying? Oh, yeah, "you are what you eat." Turns out, I keep pumping my body full of crap, and it makes me feel crappy. WEIRD.
I need this post  to remind me, again, that my diet REALLY does affect how I feel. This was the first time I've had such a crazy reaction to eating poorly but it was certainly a wake up call. Don't get me wrong, I've put this all together before, and have felt bad from eating bad before, but have never felt like it was just taking over my body like that!  That "toxic" feeling I've described before definitely seems to be linked to eating (and drinking) poorly.
On a different note, we went swimming the other day (for the first time this summer), and being outside AND in a warm pool didn't kill me. Mind you, we weren't outside all day, and I only went in the hot pool for maybe ten minutes, but short of a little extra back and chest pain, I didn't seem to be too much worse for the wear. I don't know if I should be happy or not about this. I just wish there were consistent triggers so I knew 1.what the hell, and 2. what to avoid so I could optimize my wellness.
Also, I think my work is killing me. Ok, not really but that building is most definitely making me sick. My drippy nose and sore throat had subsided while we were away, but promptly returned upon going back to work today. Ugh.
Goals: be happy, don't worry so much, relax.

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Weird New Symptom

Last night I was laying in bed reading, and my wrist started burning.  I don't know how else to describe it.  It was just a little spot on the inside of my wrist but it felt like it was on fire.  It totally freaked me out.  Then my palm started having that same sensation.  It's annoying.  It's also frustrating to have more and more symptoms crop up constantly and not have any clue what the heck is wrong with me or why this keeps happening. 

Over the last couple days, I have been having a lot more joint pain again.  My low back (both sides, great), right hip and knee, and my hands and wrists have been giving me a hard time.  I woke up today with a very sore throat, some ear pain, and a sniffly nose.  I think maybe the fires in the area have been causing those symptoms to flare up.  I have not been eating very well lately.  I have not been sleeping enough.  I have gotten some days off (YAY!)  That does help tremendously.

We're going to Elko again for my cousins wedding this weekend.  I'm really looking forward to it, BUT I need to remember not to eat as poorly as I did when we went there last time.  That really had a poor effect on how I felt last time!  I also hope to utilize the fitness room this time, too.  We've gotten out for a walk the last couple of nights and it has been so nice.  I miss going for walks at night; when I lived at home with my mom, we lived right next to a greenbelt and we used to go for walks every night.  I think it really does a person good, mentally and physically, to get outside everyday.  It's something I enjoy and it's something I think I need to make time for as much as I can.

My goals for this week:  have fun, don't overstress, enjoy myself without overindulging, and get a little more rest.

Hypocrite

So I feel like a total hypocrite after my last post, going on and on about how much sugar hurts me, and how I just need to buckle down and eat better.  Let me tell you, over the last few days, I have been doing anything but eating well.  Muffins, cupcakes, cake, cheese popcorn, sherbet, and lots of coffee... it's all been consumed over the last couple of days.  I don't know what this stupid mental block is!  I KNOW eating better helps so much, I KNOW eating poorly makes me feel worse almost instantly, and I know it's not that hard.  But for some reason, even though I know it's not worth it, I eat poorly anyway.  UGH!  What the beep-a-deep is wrong with me?!

On the up side, I HAVE been drinking more water, and have been pretty good about taking my vitamins.  Those things can help quite a lot.  One of these days soon I need to do a post dedicated to which vitamins/supplements I'd like to be taking on a regular basis so I can keep it straight for myself and feel like I have something solid to answer to.  I feel like this is my own online journal that keeps me honest.  If I say I'm going to something (or not), I feel like I'm accountable for that.  It's kind of nice.

Since getting acupuncture on Friday, I've been feeling quite a bit better.  I haven't been having as much pain and annoyance in my ribs, just a little that only lasts a moment.  The CRAZY episodes of frequent brain fog have been quite a bit better, now I'm just a little spacy and forgetful.  My finger joints have been better, just still pain in the main knuckle, not as much in the tip or where the finger meets the hand.  Unfortunately, I've still been having a lot of tightness in my shoulder blades.  OUCH!  My feet have also been so hot on the bottoms!  It is exceedingly annoying.  And that whole stress thing?  Yeah, I've still got lots of it, and am still not reacting as well to it as I wish I could.  I just feel like there's always something demanding every second of my time and I wish there wasn't! 
But since I can't necessarily control my surroundings or other people, I need to figure out how I can react better to the demands of life- it's imperative for my sanity!

Sugar, Sugar

Everyone thinks sugar is sweet, but it's not sweet to my body!  Sugar HATES me.  Which is unfortunate, because I LOVE it.  Actually, I crave it.  It's kind of a crappy deal that it works that way.  The more I eat, the more I want, and the worse I feel.  What a mess.  It's such a vicious cycle; but I know without a doubt that a good portion of the pain I experience is due to eating sugar and processed carbs. 

The main reason I felt the need to write this post, though, is to remind myself how much eating poorly makes me feel absolutely terrible.  I need to be as descriptive as possible so that I can look back on this post whenever I convince myself that something yummy is worth eating and be reminded that IT'S NOT! 

We recently went to my cousin Kevee's graduation and while we were gone I "treated" myself to lots of unhealthy meals and snacks and drinks.  By Saturday, I felt like I was going to die a little.  My stomach hurt and my body ached.  That didn't stop me from going out later that night and having a few drinks with my awesome cousins Chris and Steph.  It didn't stop me from eating breakfast at midnight which consisted of bacon, potatoes, and bread.  It didn't stop me from eating McDonalds the next morning or snacking on processed snacks the whole way home.  It didn't stop me from polishing off the better part of a bag of chips the next day.  By the time we got home on Monday, the thought of eating ANYTHING even remotely unhealthy made me queasy.  That night for dinner we had salad, fresh fruit, salmon, and brown rice.  I'm pretty sure no meal ever tasted better.  It was just so... fresh.  Not phony.  It felt like the first real thing I had eaten in several days, even though everything I had eaten for the previous few days tasted good at the time.  ALEX, EATING CRAPPY MAKES YOU FEEL CRAPPY, EATING WELL MAKES YOU FEEL WELL.

I need to stop making excuses for my crazy diet and just eat well to be well.  It shouldn't be such a hard task, but for some reason making good habits can just be so hard. 

Over the past couple of days, I have been having hip and low back pain.  Ever since Mark dug around in my hip, it's been achy, which I am grateful for.  I hope it means that whatever crazy kinks have been troubling it are on their way out!  My shoulder blades have also been VERY achy- I need to get back to the chiropractor soon, it's been quite a while since I have been in.  I used to go weekly but it has probably been close to three months since the last time I made it in.  I have been stuffed up, still, but notice that it's a lot worse at work.  Some of the other people I work with swear that the building we work in used to make them sick like that, too.  It is so annoying (and gross) to be sniffling and blowing my nose every other second, but I can't help it.  I also got an icky little mouth bump in my cheek last night.  I seem to have them worse in the summer, it's been a while since I remember getting one... It already seems much better today.  I have also been waking up with my mouth so dry I can barely open it and move my tongue, so that's pretty annoying.  Other than those things, I don't have much to complain about.

My goals this week are to drink lots of water and try to not get too stressed out over things.  That should be easier said than done, we have a LOT going on this week.  But it sure does feel amazing to have a couple days off.  I also discovered another therapeutic thing last week- soaking my feet in cool water.  It sounds like kind of a duh, but it felt indulgent to take a few minutes to do it, and it felt amazing on my stupid hot feet.  I definitely need to make more time for doing that!

Acupuncture

Last night I went to get acupuncture (finally!) from my awesome brother in law, Mark.  We had a really good talk beforehand, but it was kinda weird to talk about my, gulp, feelings.  I don't really know where I stand with a lot of things going on in my life.  I feel like my life has spiraled into a big fat disaster, sure, but I have not really taken the time to explore in my own head how I actually feel about any given problem or aspect I'm unhappy with.  It is weird to talk about it and have someone insightful prod me to think about these things.  I wonder if it will be a helpful piece in helping me figure out what the heck is going on with me. 

It makes me laugh when I get acupuncture or go to the chiropractor and I tell them a certain area is giving me trouble, and then they start getting in there, and they're like, "oh my gosh, this is all jacked up."  Ya!  I told you.  :)  Last night Mark started digging around in an area in my right hip that has been bothering me for quite some time and sounded like he experienced more pain digging around and feeling how messed up it is than I have felt.  "GEEZ, madam!"  He exclaimed.  I know!!  This has happened numerous times when I'd get a chiropractic adjustment.  My chiro, Dr. Mike, is really awesome, but sometimes he's so funny.  Sometimes he only has to feel one spot on my back before he is cussing under his breath.  If they think it's hard to adjust, they should try living day to day with it lol.

Mark and I did talk some about my issues with pregnancy and he is going to center my treatment and herbal program around that.  I am hopeful that, together, (with me FINALLY getting serious about and sticking with a good, healthy diet plan) we can get me healthy enough to consider conceiving again, and to actually carry a pregnancy to term.  I know I have 2 healthy kids but I also have 2 kids who couldn't even make it out of the first trimester, so those are not very good odds.  Half of my babies are in heaven, and I don't like that very much.

As an aside, I think it is pretty funny that I started this blog because I felt that my health has become such a different issue, and yet I keep cross referencing all my posts between the 2 different blogs.  I know my health and my pregnancy losses are connected, but trying to write 2 separate blogs about the different topics has made me realize that the 2 things are very closely tied together.

Today I felt achier than usual.  I wonder if the acupuncture stirred up crud that was stagnant in my body, or what.  This isn't the first time I've felt worse right after.  Which is totally fine.  I like feeling worse sometimes because it makes me think that the icky irritations which have taken over my body are moving their way out.  I hope that's the case as I am starting to reach the VERY end of my rope, both physically and mentally.  I can't wait to continue to explore what is going on with me more regularly so I can get on a path that leads to being healthy and feeling well.

Therapeutic

I was just thinking, "I have to write a new blog post," then it dawned on me that I don't actually HAVE TO, and it's not like any of the other things I have to do because I WANT to do it.  It's been very therapeutic to get my thoughts out and solidify what's been going on.  It's hard for me to hold everything in.  Life is too short to live it stressed out, worried, and always bogged down.  I need to make more time to do things that benefit my well being.  I'm not sure what kinds of things will fall into that category, but I'd like to explore that more.  Obviously, writing is good for me.  I can't wait to find out what else I can do to HELP my situation, rather than always push myself to breaking.  I DO know that saying no can also be therapeutic; I've said no to the voice that pushes me to push myself too hard the past couple of days and it has done a lot of good.

Pretty much more of the same of what's been going on the last few days.  My low throat, a little bit it my chest, my upper left arm, elbows, wrists, and hands (especially on the left but some in the right as well), knees, especially right, and shins, especially left, have been the most bothersome.  I'm still all stuffed up, ICK!  I don't know how I forgot to mention it yesterday, because it pretty much ruined my day, but I had a headache all day (sinus, I think).  It went away about an hour after I got home.  I have a similar headache this evening but it's not quite as intense as it was.  I didn't eat so well today, but I can do better tomorrow.  (Trying to have a positive attitude about setbacks).

Today was upsetting because the of the doctor's appointment.  I was nervous about it all day, then it came, and went, with no answers.  Well, no answers yet.  I'm going to start my part of the testing later, after we look into what insurance will cover.  Also, the initial test on the baby yielded no results, but they did begin further testing last week.  I really hope they'll find SOMETHING.  If the test doesn't work at all, then I guess we'll just have to wonder why this happened again forever.  Please pray that we find out SOMETHING, even if it's that nothing was genetically wrong with the baby.  At least we'll know.  I'll update as we know more information.

My Hands Hurt... and Other STUFF

I don't know what the deal is with my stupid hands but they have really been bothering me the last few days.  This is a new symptom.  I mean, sometimes in the past I've had little twinges of pain or a spot on one hand will hurt for a day or so but this is getting ridiculous.  It hurts to grab and carry things.  It hurts if I'm holding something and I rotate my hand even a little.  The left hand is worse than the right, with pain on the whole outside of the back of my hand and up my pinkie.  I also JUST started having mega tightness in my left shoulder blade and what feels like a ring all the way around my shoulder and up in to my neck.  Also, over the last couple days, my lower throat has been really sore.  It almost feels more like the front of my neck, like the muscles or tendons or something are tight from being clenched.  I don't know if I'm clenching my teeth in my sleep or what.  Also, my upper left arm still hates me.  Additionally, I still have been having knee and shin pain, now that is also in my ankles and feet.  Usually, everything but my feet hurt but over the last couple of days they have been getting achy, too.  Last night I did do some stretching, I did the one where you put your butt as close to the wall as you can (lying down) and put your legs straight up.  My legs don't go straight up but I did the best I could and I could really feel it pulling out some of the tightness in my lower back.  I had to put my feet down for a while because the soles were feeling so hot, and when I did, they got this really cool sensation of cold.  After I was done, when I laid back down normally, both of the tops of my feet got this pins and needles sensation right above my toes.  I'm hoping that maybe it got my circulation going in ways it hasn't for a long time.  I'm eager to do it again later tonight.

So, yeah, emotions.  I have them (surprise, surprise).  Many of you know I have another blog dedicated to the mommy thing and talk a lot about my 2 losses.  That's been hard lately.  It's hard to be around pregnant people and babies and not have it tear me apart.  It's hard to not be happy for people because it means discomfort and pain for me and to feel like a jerk about it but that's just how it is right now.  It's hard when so many people around me are having babies and I feel obligated to be happy, or, worse, to be involved in their pregnancies, et cetera.  Tomorrow I have an appointment to find out genetic test results (IF they even worked) from the last baby and to start my leg of the testing.  I'm afraid they are going to tell me the testing didn't work and that we will never know what happened (or if the baby was a boy or a girl). 

Furthermore, I just feel lonely and worn out.  I feel like a shitty friend/sister/cousin.  I have some people who I love dearly and have not made time for any of them in several months.  I honestly can't remember the last time I had a friend date, and, what's worse, I can't remember the last time I've even felt up for having one.  I thrive on being around other people but I haven't even had the energy for it.  It sucks.  I wish I could take a year off because I am so burned out and so tired of work dominating my life and sucking all of the energy out of me.  I have began to cling to this outlet because it's all I have right now that takes my mind off of work, chores, mommying, and karate.  I feel like all I ever do are the things I have to force myself to because they are my RESPONSIBILITY.  I need a break, a real break.  Where I can do nothing and not feel guilty and where I can have time to see my friends if I want to.  I need that, and very soon!

Home Stretch

Today was work day 7 of 12, I feel like I'm on the downslide, which is good because I am just plain worn out! I'm really starting to feel the energy draining away and not recharging now. When Monday comes, I'm doing NOTHING but enjoying being home with my family (well, except taking Trent to the doctor and doing karate testing). But other than that, nothing. At. All!

Today all my joints were sore. My hands, wrists, elbows, and knees were really bothering me. Even just small spots in my hands and fingers would throb. The inside of my left wrist hurt to the touch and the outside of my left knee was throbbing by the end of the day. I also had trickles of pain down the inside of my left shin off and on all day. Also, since Thursday evening I have been all stuffed up and feeling cruddy. It's worse when I'm at work. I hope the next few days are a bit more mellow, work was pretty hectic today and I could really tell how poor my energy and coping levels are becoming. I didn't eat too well today, had quite a lot more dairy than I have been having lately but we did get to go out for dinner with my mom and grandma so that was a lot of fun. I also had time to just relax with Taryn, she combed and braided my hair and then we fell asleep for a while. There's something liberating about falling asleep at 8pm! :) Tonight I just decided to take it easy so I'm going to read for a bit with an ice pack on the bottoms of my feet (which feel like they're on fire) and save laundry and responsibilities for another day.

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More I Forgot's and SUN!

Oh, boy, post #3 and somehow I am just now getting to one of the biggie symptoms: SUN (and heat, and artificial light).  It hates me! I CANNOT see without sunglasses, sometimes I even have to wear them indoors.  Last summer, after, say, a day at the pool, my body would feel like I'd been hit by a truck, sometimes even for a few days.  I haven't had the opportunity yet to see if this summer I will be plagued by this experience again or not.  In a way, I hope so, just because I think it could be an important piece to the "what on earth is wrong with this girl" puzzle.  And remember that first post where I mentioned feeling "toxic"?  Yeah, heat (like a nice, relaxing warm bath) totally gives me that awesome feeling.  Now that I think about it, the night before I wrote that first post, I had a warm bath.  Next morning, toxic low back. Hmmmmmm...

On spring break of 2011 (before I knew that warmth was my mortal enemy), we went to Glenwood Springs (YAY!)  After a lovely soak in the HOT pool, I woke up during the night feeling like every limb was on fire.  I was so scared I almost called 911, but then I was able to get myself adjusted enough that I fell back to an uncomfortable and not so restful sleep, and didn't pass away during the night.  So yeah, that's what warm and/or sun likes to do to me.  WTH?

So that's the big I forgot symptom.  I'm pretty sure it's important.

Today I felt OK ish.  I am getting more tired, cranky, and sluggish by the day.  I worked day 6 of 12 and took 3 karate classes, so all in all, I'm holding up OK.  I met most of my goals, got up and did some stretches and jumping jacks this morning, and am currently outside blogging.  It feels awesome just to get off the couch and away from the glowing box of doom (for those who don't hang out with my husband so much, that's just a fancy way of saying the TV).  My hands still hurt, my low back (all of it, and way down into the tailbone area), my upper left arm, my right knee, and both sides of my ribs were the spots that were most annoying today.  On the drive home from work my right ribs felt SO annoying.  Just kinda full.  My liver might be exploding.  (KIDDING- I hope)!  I ate decently again, but, again, not great.  I need to eat more veggies and less, well, whatever else I've been eating instead.  Plus, I have still been having too much coffee... not that I really think there can be a too much, but Dr. Mark (Ryan's brother, my awesome acupuncturist) says to lay off.  It's hard, I really do heart coffee.  That's about it, I'm still alive and I haven't killed anyone, so all in all I feel like a success.  We'll see how tomorrow goes (always have to take it day by day).

I Almost Forgot...

...to mention a few symptoms!  HORRENDOUS sleep habits, for one.  I started having insomnia right around age 12, not long after we first moved to Colorado, actually.  Now, I am tired ALL. THE. TIME.  But then, I go to bed and CANNOT sleep.  I will toss, turn, lay awake for hours.  It drives me crazy!  Usually, if I don't fall asleep watching TV on the couch and then stumble to bed sometime during the night, I will not fall asleep for at LEAST an hour, despite the constant exhaustion.  I also wake up feeling as if I have not slept at all, AND I often wake up several times during the night.  Many of these times, I will wake up and stay awake for hours on end.  Clearly SOMETHING is awry with my sleep. 

Also (as I'm sure most of you who know me have probably noticed), I can be a gigantic BITCH!  I guess the symptom would be best described as irritable.  I frequently have NO patience, am sarcastic, rude, always in a hurry, get annoyed with more than one noise occurring at any given time, and, at my very worst, am practically homicidal over minor setbacks and irritations.  This is unfair to all those around me, but, seriously, sometimes I really have NO control over this.  My brain will say, "Alex, chill out, stop acting this way," but I just CAN'T. 

I'm sure many of you know by my oh so lovely recent face book posts that this was a rather trying week.  Life is kinda finally getting back to normal (Ryan was away all last week for work, and we were away at my cousins graduation for 4 days before that), then my days off and work schedule got all jacked up.  First, previous to leaving, I had JUST gotten to having a set schedule (off Sunday and Monday), so this is what I expected upon my return.  WRONG.  My first week back I was scheduled Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday.  Monday and Tuesday off.  OK, no biggie, it really doesn't matter, I'd just like to have 2 days (preferably in a row) off.  Then late on Monday afternoon I got a call from... work!  (oh, boy).  So I went in to close, even though I was gross from cleaning and helping Ryan a bit with moving in a new hot water heater.  Plus, the boss had posted the new schedule a couple days before (which runs Thursday through Wednesday) and I discovered I have NO days off this week.  Then on Tuesday, Trent got sick and I had to get him from karate camp.  Later that day he began breaking out in hives, so I spent my one day in an almost 3 week period off scared to death and worried sick at the Children's Hospital after hours care.  It's been a VERY stressful (and exhausting) week, to say the least.  Tonight I worked shift 5 of 12 in a row.  Ugh!

My main focus of this blog is to talk about my daily symptoms so that I can began to make sense of any patterns.  So here goes.  Today my main issues were upper body joint pains.  My right pointer finger has been VERY painful, both of my hands, wrists, and upper arms (but especially the left upper arm) were painful- just gripping a small, light plate REALLY hurt.  My left ribs have still been troubling me but mainly feel full or annoying rather than painful.  My low back hurt a LOT.  Sometimes I can make it almost all the way to work before it bothers me too much but today I was barely out of the neighborhood before the right low back, hip, and knee began to hurt quite a bit.  My left shoulder blade is also ridiculously tight and sore (I try to work out the knots by leaning up against wall corners at work and it was almost too painful today to do this at all).  Both of my hamstrings are still sore to the touch (well, the left one ALWAYS is) from doing 3 karate classes on Thursday night.  Last night, after I blogged, I started getting really weird twitching on the side of my foot when I laid down.  I ate decently but not awesome today.  I did have some fish and veggies, so that's good.  I still drank too much coffee, but I was DRAGGING at work.  I did cheat and have a small piece of banana bread, then threw half away, then remembered my little good eating habits ticker on the blog and spit out the bite I had in my mouth, ha ha.  I guess it's the little things that will keep me grounded!

I also noticed over the course of the week that my chest pain seems to worsen when I have anxiety about or am in a situation or near people who cause me stress.  Maybe it seems like a "duh," but it's a newish observation, and it's the type of progress I need to make if I want to help figure out my health problems and plans for helping manage them.

GOALS FOR THE WEEK:  get up and do a couple minutes of stretches and cardio right away to get my blood moving each morning; take very good care of my teeth; spend 10 minutes (or more) each night stretching; spend some time outside each evening (walk around the block, garden or yard work, sit out with a good book); and try to unglue myself from my TV and phone a little more each day.  Wish me luck!!

What's the Adage for "If it IS broke..."

I have chosen to start this blog mainly for selfish reasons.  I have kept numerous "health journals" but frankly, I am too lazy to write in them daily, let alone several times a day.  I am hoping that typing will be a quicker and easier way to keep track of this important task.  However, I am open to any readers and their comments, questions, suggestions, concerns, et cetera.  While my primary goal of doing this blog is to keep up on my health issues, it would be awesome if somehow this blog helps someone else deal with chronic health problems!

I have chosen this silly first title post because I've been wondering how to fill in the blank for that problem.  I feel like everything in my body is broken, and I've tried so many things but haven't found any one thing that works well and is something I can stick with.  So if it's ALL broke, how the heck do I fix it?!  (Remember, I am TOTALLY open to ANY suggestions here).

Since this is my first post, I'll try to do a quick rundown of what the heck's been going on, even though it's probably review.  From head to toe, something almost everywhere is wrong.  I have been having sinus problems from hell for about two years, headaches of varying location and intensity off and on since age 10, a sore throat for about 4 years, salivary gland problems (swelling and infection) for about 10 years which have progressed into a daily problem, gum disease with periodic bleeding and receding gums, ear pain and ringing off and on for about the last 6-7 years (once I thought I had an ear infection for about 2 years solid), EXTREME sensitivity to light (and noise, smells, etc), chest pain, upper left arm pain, periodic elbow and wrist pain (both sides), pain in my right pointer finger (all 3 joints), sometimes pain in the large bones of my hands or the tips of my fingers, numbness and tingling in my hands, feet, face, and back of my head (tingling and/or weird sensations), pain in both sides of my ribs, digestion problems, extreme gasiness, lower back pain since age 16, pain in my shoulder blades (especially the left one, which my chiro said was the tightest he's ever felt), knee pain (especially in the right knee), ankle pain and cracking, hip pain and popping (especially the right side), big toe joint pain, sensations of very hot soles of feet, jaw pain and popping since age 14, lightheadedness, ridiculously easy bruising (for as long as I can remember- it runs in the family) and pin point sized dots of blood under the skin, slow wound healing, brain fog, forgetfulness including using the wrong word (so embarrassing), fluttering or twitching which can occur anywhere in the body,  tooth pain and lower gum pain that comes and goes, 2 known miscarriages, prone to uti and yeast-like infections, itchy ears, spots on my arms that have lost pigment, a couple of firm small lumps on the tops of my feet/bottom of my shins, scars that are small but healed very thick and red resulting in permanent raised bumps, shin pain or random pain in legs, and eye pain, strain, floaters.  PHEW, thanks for sticking that out- pretty sure that's the whole list.  Fun, right?

So, I'm not totally sure what the heck is wrong with me but I have a couple of ideas.  (AGAIN, I AM OPEN TO IDEAS- I don't mind looking into any probable leads, I just want to know what's up, that I'll live, and how to manage WHATEVER it may be)!  Autoimmune?  Fibro?  Thyroid?  Poor lifestyle habits that built up and kicked my ass?   All of the above?  :)  These are some of the avenues I'd like to pursue further.  I JUST WANT TO FEEL DECENT!

Today I had very bad low back pain this morning.  Walking, sitting, and driving were especially painful.  When I was driving the kids home from karate I got shooting pains on the left side of my lower back.  By the time we got home, it just felt like my whole lower back area was toxic.  I know that's a weird way to describe it, but that's what's up.  It happens to me often, my body just feels... gross, to the bone.  Like something totally nasty just infiltrated and made it, well, toxic.  MANY of my joints hurt today, both knees, both wrists, my right elbow, both pointer fingers, both ankles, left shoulder blade, left ribs (really actually freaking me out they've been bothering me so much the last couple of days, off and on, anywhere from a small area right under the breast to a small area at the bottom of my rib cage), my chest, and my shoulders/neck.  Stresswise, I am annoyed with work (the hours, the people) and really don't want to be around some of the people there... ever.  Recently, I have been eating very poorly and so the last couple of days I have been making a WAY bigger effort to control what I eat and avoid sugar, dairy, potatoes, and carbs.  Today, I didn't eat great but not terrible, either.  I had quite a bit of coffee (2 large cups of regular and 2 large cups of decaf), and also had some potato salad and some mashed potatoes.  I had some fruit but not any veggies.  Also, I am currently having my period, I am not sure how much that contributes to my sickness but I think it definitely does.  Also, my molar tooth on the bottom right of my mouth has been hurting (mainly when I brush my teeth).  This seems to happen more during my time of the month, but I'll need to write more to see if that's actually the case.

That's about it for today's symptoms and other notes.  Thanks for reading, thanks in advance for any suggestions, and please say a little prayer that I will keep this up so I can start making better connections about what the heck is wrong with me, AND how to fix it!