raw clarification

last nights post was read differently than i intended for it to be, so. let me clarify:

I AM EXHAUSTED, I AM COMPLETELY WORN DOWN, I AM NEVER FREE OF PAIN AND EVERY MOVE I MAKE HURTS, I AM STRESSED OUT BY HEALTH ISSUES I NOTICE, AND BY MY JOB- WHICH IS PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY DEMANDING, I FEEL LONELY BECAUSE OUR SCHEDULES ARE CRAZY AND I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO HANG OUT WITH MY HUSBAND (I DON'T REALLY SEE HIM HALF THE WEEK), MY FRIENDS, OR ANYONE ELSE I CARE ABOUT, I AM SO TIRED THAT ACTIVITIES WHICH SHOULD BE FUN MAKE ME WANT TO CRY A LITTLE, I FEEL LIKE NO ONE CARES OR SYPATHIZES/EMPATHIZES WITH HOW I FEEL, I AM SAD BECAUSE HALF OF MY KIDS ARE DEAD AND I NEVER EVEN GOT TO MEET THEM, I HATE PREGNANT PEOPLE BECAUSE I AM JEALOUS AND IT IS UNFAIR, AND ALL I NEED IS FOR SOMEONE (ANYONE) TO JUST ACT LIKE THEY CARE THAT I AM HAVING A HARD TIME.  I WAS NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL BAD OR TALK CRAP ABOUT ANYONE.  I AM JUST STRUGGLING AND I FEEL AT THE VERY, VERY, VERY END OF MY ROPE.

OK?

Anxiety, Stress, Majorly Overwhelmed

I am starting to get to the point where I can't do it anymore.  I don't find joy or excitement in ANYTHING.  It all just feels like one big. ass. chore.  Getting up in the morning is hard (especially when everything hurts and I can barely even roll over in bed).  Driving kids to school and all the way to work seems like too much effort (especially because I know that by the time I'm 5 minutes into my drive, my back will be throbbing, and by the time I get to work, I can barely stand all the way up and walk.  Stepping up the curb seems like climbing a mountain).  Within 10 minutes of being at work, I know something is going to irritate me enough to make me want to run screaming and never come back.  I am tired all. the. time.  I have trouble concentrating (and trust me, if you can't concentrate when a million people all think their demand on you is the most important, it makes a job REALLY hard).  By the time I leave work all I want to do is sleep.  For, like, 3 weeks.  But leaving work is when the hard part starts.  I have to drive way out of my way to get Trent.  I don't mind, it just makes when we get home even later and it's hard to get ANYTHING done.  By this point, I would drop if I could.  But I can't.  So, I plan dinner, do errands, and have somewhere to go almost every night.  If it's not karate, it's scouts, or church, or my mom wants to do something, or or or or or or or.  There's seriously not a SECOND that's unaccounted for.  EVERY day.  I am so worn down.  We have come up with this homework/reading/chore chart for the kids and it is NOT working.  For me.  Because suddenly, all this shit that we (Ryan) wants them to do, becomes my problem.  Did you clean your room?  Well let me check.  Oh you need to do this and this still.  Oh, you did this and this?  Let me check.  Oh you still forgot this.  You finished?  Let me check.  Ok, you still need to do this little thing.  You did?  Let me check, AGAIN.  Ok, it's fine, now time for chores that I have to check 5 times, then homework that I have to nag you about, then reading and a reading log for school AND karate that I have to nag you about.  Times 2 kids.  Brush your teeth, wash your hands, shower, pack your lunch, set your alarm, blah de blah blah blah.  So far, every, single, f*#&ing night, their responsibilities become MY problem and makes our night 8000000000 times more stressful.  Feed your pets, pick up your belongings, nag nag nag.  In the meantime, I don't have a second to relax because I'm checking the bazillion things they have to do with no time to do it.  Every night has become a late night because there aren't enough minutes.  Then this cuts in to my time.  Ya know?   That CRAZY thing called me time.  What's that you ask.  Yeah, I don't know anymore.  By the time I'm tucking them in (or, often, LONG before), I'm ready to drop.  I feel so far beyond overwhelmed and unhappy and stressed and absolutely crazy and depressed.  I have no help, I have no one on my side, I have no time.  Sometimes, I hope I get hit by a bus.  I know that's NOT good and I really don't mean it, but what the flip?  How long am I supposed to be able to go on like this.  NOTHING is fun, nothing feels good, nothing is how I wanted it to be.  I am drained and I'm running myself completely ragged for absolutely nothing.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I don't want to do anything but sleep for a year.  I love my kids so much and I am NOT being a very good mother.  It's pretty hard to feel like you are when all you do is pack their day full of chores and obligations, nag them, and snap at them because you're lonely and exhausted.  I am not happy at all with how my life is going and it's ruining my mental well-being and I'm sure it's not helping the physical bullshit, either.  I wish it could all just stop.  The pain, the grumpiness, the fatigue, the irritation.  I don't know what to do!

Outta Control!

On my way home from work today, I thought, I should really blog.  I should really blog about how out of control my life feels sometimes.  I should blog about how I'm not making the time and putting forth the effort to control what is important to me and do all of the things that I need to do for my health and well being.  I keep feeling like I'm just on this crazy ride that I don't want to be on and can't get off.  So, fast forward 3 hours later, I decided to go to church (1 of 3 options I had going on in that time frame), and they were starting a new series.  I hadn't been to Wednesday service in a couple of weeks, so I was pretty excited to be back.  The new series we started was....

"My faith is great, but my life is out of control."

Since it was the start of the series, there was just kind of a general overview of things to think about, and about people who loved God and "did the right things" but still struggled with problems (lust, substances, pride, etc), and most importantly, ended with the question, "what things in my life do I struggle with?"

Wow.

This question is just the one I needed, and there are LOTS of answers to this question, both relating to faith/trust in God, and areas that may not seem like they're directly related to faith.

SO, what do I struggle controlling? (in no particular order):

* prioritizing
* my temper
* not doing things that are necessary for my health
* not getting off my phone
* not speaking my mind, standing up for myself, or believing that I deserve better than I sometimes settle for
* not going after what I want
* not planning ahead/procrastinating
* letting myself get caught up in negativity
* wasting time
* spending money
* budgeting/getting out of debt/working harder
* drinking too much coffee
* doing other things that are bad for me (when I know better- like eating sugar)
* letting myself get pushed around or being influenced by people i care about even if i don't agree with them
* spreading myself so thin that nothing seems fun- everything feels like a chore or like something i "have to" do
* not asking for or accepting help
* staying at a job i dislike, don't find rewarding or challenging, am not appreciated at, and isn't worth my time or (lack of) money
* not finishing school (1 semester left- really, come on, Alex)
* knowing that i find certain things important but not making the time to do them
* getting caught up in little things that are annoying and let them ruin my day/drag me way down
* not making enough time for God, then wondering why I feel alone
* not trusting God and doctors enough to just GO and figure out what is going on with me and how to get better

see?!?!  That's SO MUCH that is WAY out of hand!  So, to tackle just a few of those things, I pledge to:

* limit the time I spend on my phone (check email, facebook, and the games I like to play 1-2 times a day)
* cut down to 1 (large) cup of coffee everyday (eventually to cut down to 1-2 cups a week)
* start budgeting money and not buying non necessities
* ask my boss for a raise, AND start (REALLY) looking for a new job
* doing at least 1 thing i WANT to do each day

I really really really need to stick to these AND continue to tackle more in the future, so WISH ME LUCK, SAY A PRAYER, give me a hug, ANY encouragement is SUPER appreciated so that i can get myself IN control!