raw clarification

last nights post was read differently than i intended for it to be, so. let me clarify:

I AM EXHAUSTED, I AM COMPLETELY WORN DOWN, I AM NEVER FREE OF PAIN AND EVERY MOVE I MAKE HURTS, I AM STRESSED OUT BY HEALTH ISSUES I NOTICE, AND BY MY JOB- WHICH IS PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY DEMANDING, I FEEL LONELY BECAUSE OUR SCHEDULES ARE CRAZY AND I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO HANG OUT WITH MY HUSBAND (I DON'T REALLY SEE HIM HALF THE WEEK), MY FRIENDS, OR ANYONE ELSE I CARE ABOUT, I AM SO TIRED THAT ACTIVITIES WHICH SHOULD BE FUN MAKE ME WANT TO CRY A LITTLE, I FEEL LIKE NO ONE CARES OR SYPATHIZES/EMPATHIZES WITH HOW I FEEL, I AM SAD BECAUSE HALF OF MY KIDS ARE DEAD AND I NEVER EVEN GOT TO MEET THEM, I HATE PREGNANT PEOPLE BECAUSE I AM JEALOUS AND IT IS UNFAIR, AND ALL I NEED IS FOR SOMEONE (ANYONE) TO JUST ACT LIKE THEY CARE THAT I AM HAVING A HARD TIME.  I WAS NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL BAD OR TALK CRAP ABOUT ANYONE.  I AM JUST STRUGGLING AND I FEEL AT THE VERY, VERY, VERY END OF MY ROPE.

OK?

Anxiety, Stress, Majorly Overwhelmed

I am starting to get to the point where I can't do it anymore.  I don't find joy or excitement in ANYTHING.  It all just feels like one big. ass. chore.  Getting up in the morning is hard (especially when everything hurts and I can barely even roll over in bed).  Driving kids to school and all the way to work seems like too much effort (especially because I know that by the time I'm 5 minutes into my drive, my back will be throbbing, and by the time I get to work, I can barely stand all the way up and walk.  Stepping up the curb seems like climbing a mountain).  Within 10 minutes of being at work, I know something is going to irritate me enough to make me want to run screaming and never come back.  I am tired all. the. time.  I have trouble concentrating (and trust me, if you can't concentrate when a million people all think their demand on you is the most important, it makes a job REALLY hard).  By the time I leave work all I want to do is sleep.  For, like, 3 weeks.  But leaving work is when the hard part starts.  I have to drive way out of my way to get Trent.  I don't mind, it just makes when we get home even later and it's hard to get ANYTHING done.  By this point, I would drop if I could.  But I can't.  So, I plan dinner, do errands, and have somewhere to go almost every night.  If it's not karate, it's scouts, or church, or my mom wants to do something, or or or or or or or.  There's seriously not a SECOND that's unaccounted for.  EVERY day.  I am so worn down.  We have come up with this homework/reading/chore chart for the kids and it is NOT working.  For me.  Because suddenly, all this shit that we (Ryan) wants them to do, becomes my problem.  Did you clean your room?  Well let me check.  Oh you need to do this and this still.  Oh, you did this and this?  Let me check.  Oh you still forgot this.  You finished?  Let me check.  Ok, you still need to do this little thing.  You did?  Let me check, AGAIN.  Ok, it's fine, now time for chores that I have to check 5 times, then homework that I have to nag you about, then reading and a reading log for school AND karate that I have to nag you about.  Times 2 kids.  Brush your teeth, wash your hands, shower, pack your lunch, set your alarm, blah de blah blah blah.  So far, every, single, f*#&ing night, their responsibilities become MY problem and makes our night 8000000000 times more stressful.  Feed your pets, pick up your belongings, nag nag nag.  In the meantime, I don't have a second to relax because I'm checking the bazillion things they have to do with no time to do it.  Every night has become a late night because there aren't enough minutes.  Then this cuts in to my time.  Ya know?   That CRAZY thing called me time.  What's that you ask.  Yeah, I don't know anymore.  By the time I'm tucking them in (or, often, LONG before), I'm ready to drop.  I feel so far beyond overwhelmed and unhappy and stressed and absolutely crazy and depressed.  I have no help, I have no one on my side, I have no time.  Sometimes, I hope I get hit by a bus.  I know that's NOT good and I really don't mean it, but what the flip?  How long am I supposed to be able to go on like this.  NOTHING is fun, nothing feels good, nothing is how I wanted it to be.  I am drained and I'm running myself completely ragged for absolutely nothing.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I don't want to do anything but sleep for a year.  I love my kids so much and I am NOT being a very good mother.  It's pretty hard to feel like you are when all you do is pack their day full of chores and obligations, nag them, and snap at them because you're lonely and exhausted.  I am not happy at all with how my life is going and it's ruining my mental well-being and I'm sure it's not helping the physical bullshit, either.  I wish it could all just stop.  The pain, the grumpiness, the fatigue, the irritation.  I don't know what to do!

Outta Control!

On my way home from work today, I thought, I should really blog.  I should really blog about how out of control my life feels sometimes.  I should blog about how I'm not making the time and putting forth the effort to control what is important to me and do all of the things that I need to do for my health and well being.  I keep feeling like I'm just on this crazy ride that I don't want to be on and can't get off.  So, fast forward 3 hours later, I decided to go to church (1 of 3 options I had going on in that time frame), and they were starting a new series.  I hadn't been to Wednesday service in a couple of weeks, so I was pretty excited to be back.  The new series we started was....

"My faith is great, but my life is out of control."

Since it was the start of the series, there was just kind of a general overview of things to think about, and about people who loved God and "did the right things" but still struggled with problems (lust, substances, pride, etc), and most importantly, ended with the question, "what things in my life do I struggle with?"

Wow.

This question is just the one I needed, and there are LOTS of answers to this question, both relating to faith/trust in God, and areas that may not seem like they're directly related to faith.

SO, what do I struggle controlling? (in no particular order):

* prioritizing
* my temper
* not doing things that are necessary for my health
* not getting off my phone
* not speaking my mind, standing up for myself, or believing that I deserve better than I sometimes settle for
* not going after what I want
* not planning ahead/procrastinating
* letting myself get caught up in negativity
* wasting time
* spending money
* budgeting/getting out of debt/working harder
* drinking too much coffee
* doing other things that are bad for me (when I know better- like eating sugar)
* letting myself get pushed around or being influenced by people i care about even if i don't agree with them
* spreading myself so thin that nothing seems fun- everything feels like a chore or like something i "have to" do
* not asking for or accepting help
* staying at a job i dislike, don't find rewarding or challenging, am not appreciated at, and isn't worth my time or (lack of) money
* not finishing school (1 semester left- really, come on, Alex)
* knowing that i find certain things important but not making the time to do them
* getting caught up in little things that are annoying and let them ruin my day/drag me way down
* not making enough time for God, then wondering why I feel alone
* not trusting God and doctors enough to just GO and figure out what is going on with me and how to get better

see?!?!  That's SO MUCH that is WAY out of hand!  So, to tackle just a few of those things, I pledge to:

* limit the time I spend on my phone (check email, facebook, and the games I like to play 1-2 times a day)
* cut down to 1 (large) cup of coffee everyday (eventually to cut down to 1-2 cups a week)
* start budgeting money and not buying non necessities
* ask my boss for a raise, AND start (REALLY) looking for a new job
* doing at least 1 thing i WANT to do each day

I really really really need to stick to these AND continue to tackle more in the future, so WISH ME LUCK, SAY A PRAYER, give me a hug, ANY encouragement is SUPER appreciated so that i can get myself IN control!

Sun, Spleen, Psychotic?

We spent the whole day outside swimming on Monday, and the after effects weren't as extreme as last year, BUT, my back was KILLING me later that day- in a worse, and different- way than it had been lately.  The weirdest thing, though, was that the next day, the irritation and  pain in the upper right area of my ribs was much worse.  I was snuggling with Taryn and she accidentally elbowed me or something in that area and it was such a weird thing.  Like there was something hard bulging out from that area that surged with pain when she bumped me, but she didn't even hit or bump me hard.  I know I'm not describing it very well, it was just very weird.  Right after it happened, I laid back and dug up under my ribs and could feel something hard protruding from the bottom right of my rib cage.  I had felt this before, but it's been a very long time.  Then it dawned on me that the first time this happened (or when I noticed it) was the peak of last summer, when it was hot, we had regularly been spending some time in the sun, and that I also hadn't noticed it since sometime last fall.  It sounds like a long shot, but I'm wondering if sun exposure is somehow exacerbating the spleen-area pain I've experienced.  I honestly have no idea how that could be, but, somehow, the two seem connected.  It sounds a little crazy, I know!

Honestly, sometimes I think that some of the health things I have experienced are really just a manifestation of stress, anxiety, over thinking, and possibly me just being nuts.  I don't even know anymore.  I really wish I just had answers and clear connections between symptoms and the things that make them better or worse.  I feel like I've tried EVERYTHING (including going to the doctor-which I know most people think I haven't).  It gets annoying to go when you're scared and petrified, you go in alone, finally get your worries off your chest, and you get the "you're young and that's unlikely, have a nice day talk."  You leave blowing out a huge sigh of relief and then 2 minutes later it dawns on you- I'm NOT ok, I'm not better, and I have no answers.  What the hell kind of system is that?!  Feeling so bad for so long with so many symptoms that come, go, and seemingly have no rhyme or reason can have the effect of making you question your own sanity, I guess. : /  I'll just keep on truckin!  (And writing- it really helps).

Digestion

This will most definitely cross the line into WAY too much information, but, hey, you're warned. It's part of this annoying situation called my painful life, so it'd be silly to ignore.
Last Monday, the second, I took the kids to see a movie at red rocks (yay)! Upon leaving, my tummy started hurting A LOT.  By the time we got out of the parking lot (at least half an hour later), the discomfort of my indigestion seemed to have permeated through my whole body. My hips, my back, my WHOLE rib area (front, back, sides, WAY up under into my chest) just felt like toxins were pouring in, like noxious green gas you see in movies infiltrating a big area in just seconds, causing everyone in it's path to meet their demise. It was extremely uncomfortable! It made me think back to a year and a half earlier when I told my brother in law, Mark, (you remember him, the awesome acupuncturist) that my left arm hurt and he said, "digestion." At the time, I hate to confess, I thought he was a little nuts. Now I'm pretty sure he was right! What's that saying? Oh, yeah, "you are what you eat." Turns out, I keep pumping my body full of crap, and it makes me feel crappy. WEIRD.
I need this post  to remind me, again, that my diet REALLY does affect how I feel. This was the first time I've had such a crazy reaction to eating poorly but it was certainly a wake up call. Don't get me wrong, I've put this all together before, and have felt bad from eating bad before, but have never felt like it was just taking over my body like that!  That "toxic" feeling I've described before definitely seems to be linked to eating (and drinking) poorly.
On a different note, we went swimming the other day (for the first time this summer), and being outside AND in a warm pool didn't kill me. Mind you, we weren't outside all day, and I only went in the hot pool for maybe ten minutes, but short of a little extra back and chest pain, I didn't seem to be too much worse for the wear. I don't know if I should be happy or not about this. I just wish there were consistent triggers so I knew 1.what the hell, and 2. what to avoid so I could optimize my wellness.
Also, I think my work is killing me. Ok, not really but that building is most definitely making me sick. My drippy nose and sore throat had subsided while we were away, but promptly returned upon going back to work today. Ugh.
Goals: be happy, don't worry so much, relax.

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Weird New Symptom

Last night I was laying in bed reading, and my wrist started burning.  I don't know how else to describe it.  It was just a little spot on the inside of my wrist but it felt like it was on fire.  It totally freaked me out.  Then my palm started having that same sensation.  It's annoying.  It's also frustrating to have more and more symptoms crop up constantly and not have any clue what the heck is wrong with me or why this keeps happening. 

Over the last couple days, I have been having a lot more joint pain again.  My low back (both sides, great), right hip and knee, and my hands and wrists have been giving me a hard time.  I woke up today with a very sore throat, some ear pain, and a sniffly nose.  I think maybe the fires in the area have been causing those symptoms to flare up.  I have not been eating very well lately.  I have not been sleeping enough.  I have gotten some days off (YAY!)  That does help tremendously.

We're going to Elko again for my cousins wedding this weekend.  I'm really looking forward to it, BUT I need to remember not to eat as poorly as I did when we went there last time.  That really had a poor effect on how I felt last time!  I also hope to utilize the fitness room this time, too.  We've gotten out for a walk the last couple of nights and it has been so nice.  I miss going for walks at night; when I lived at home with my mom, we lived right next to a greenbelt and we used to go for walks every night.  I think it really does a person good, mentally and physically, to get outside everyday.  It's something I enjoy and it's something I think I need to make time for as much as I can.

My goals for this week:  have fun, don't overstress, enjoy myself without overindulging, and get a little more rest.

Hypocrite

So I feel like a total hypocrite after my last post, going on and on about how much sugar hurts me, and how I just need to buckle down and eat better.  Let me tell you, over the last few days, I have been doing anything but eating well.  Muffins, cupcakes, cake, cheese popcorn, sherbet, and lots of coffee... it's all been consumed over the last couple of days.  I don't know what this stupid mental block is!  I KNOW eating better helps so much, I KNOW eating poorly makes me feel worse almost instantly, and I know it's not that hard.  But for some reason, even though I know it's not worth it, I eat poorly anyway.  UGH!  What the beep-a-deep is wrong with me?!

On the up side, I HAVE been drinking more water, and have been pretty good about taking my vitamins.  Those things can help quite a lot.  One of these days soon I need to do a post dedicated to which vitamins/supplements I'd like to be taking on a regular basis so I can keep it straight for myself and feel like I have something solid to answer to.  I feel like this is my own online journal that keeps me honest.  If I say I'm going to something (or not), I feel like I'm accountable for that.  It's kind of nice.

Since getting acupuncture on Friday, I've been feeling quite a bit better.  I haven't been having as much pain and annoyance in my ribs, just a little that only lasts a moment.  The CRAZY episodes of frequent brain fog have been quite a bit better, now I'm just a little spacy and forgetful.  My finger joints have been better, just still pain in the main knuckle, not as much in the tip or where the finger meets the hand.  Unfortunately, I've still been having a lot of tightness in my shoulder blades.  OUCH!  My feet have also been so hot on the bottoms!  It is exceedingly annoying.  And that whole stress thing?  Yeah, I've still got lots of it, and am still not reacting as well to it as I wish I could.  I just feel like there's always something demanding every second of my time and I wish there wasn't! 
But since I can't necessarily control my surroundings or other people, I need to figure out how I can react better to the demands of life- it's imperative for my sanity!